Crap Crap crappity crap

You know how people say things happen in threes (mostly bad)?

Well I know the feeling after this week.

a few bullet points

1) I had an MRI on my head last week, turns out there is a 1.8cm growth in there, lucky me!
2) car faile the MVI (motor vehicle inspection, required every 2 years) going to take a whole ton of money to fix, money I just don't have a way of producing.
3) I am alone again won't go into details here, just to say I. AM. CRUSHED.

So what the hell, Universe? Why is it that just when I feel like I am doing ok the fates have to conspire against me?

I had plans for this winter, to hopefully avoid the depressive state that last winter put me into. I was going to play hockey for the first time in years, well that is a no go, no money for equipment, plus it now costs to play, something new I guess, so that option is out.

As for the POS car, it is not really worth the monry to fix it, but since I consolodated some debt, to lower interest charges, and reduce monthly payments, I owe too much to get rid of the damn thing, so I am stuck with it.

The house that the EX and I share is not selling, so until it does, my monthly load keeps growing.

The weight of all of this is like a beast on my chest, taunting me. Just the way sleep does right now, it is there I can feel it but it remains elusive like sand through my fingers, easy to touch, but hard to grasp and hold on to.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I have little to no funds for gifts, right now I don't even feel like celebrating. I am alone 90% of the nights at home, I asked if I could get a pet but was met with a resounding no. Not even a cat. yippee.

Part of me wants to stay in bed for the rest of my life, it would be easier.

Gotta go now, and try to find a) extra cash or b) a way to dump the 7 year old 200000+ km car for something newer.

Wish me luck.

Sisters

Now I can't shut up 3 posts in a day!


I have 2 sisters D who is older, and S who is younger (40 on Monday!)

D you are one of the nicest and caring people I know, throughout the last 3 years of crap that my life has become, you have been there for me. Every time, no question, you have given me a place to lean on and go to for support, you, and M and N have been awesome to me, putting up with my moodiness and self-pitying to the point I would have thought you were sick of me by now.

You have responded when I have needed you to, and gone above and beyond at times. When everything crashed around me a few months back you came, took son3 for the weekend and helped with things that I would not have expected anyone to do. You take the family thing seriously and have been so supportive to me that I don't think I can ever thank you enough.

You are a great mom, and that can be seen in N, your son,who is one of the best people I know.
You were my friend when we were younger, and are still one of my best friends now.

I thank you for your support, your friendship and your help through everything, you are one of the best.

S, you are my younger sister, my friend and my sounding board, no matter how crappy I feel about my life, you have always managed to get me to see the silver lining. At times, you have been my saviour although, I don't think I ever told you how much this has meant to me.

You and I have shared friends that we both cherish, and you helped to steer me back to them when I needed to find myself again. Once more, I can never repay the debt I feel I owe you.

To both of you Thanks, and I love you.

brothers

Well 2 posts in one day, after my unplanned hiatus of more than 2 months.



The summer was good, time spent with family and friends. and the boys all seems to be going well.



I have to say something now because I have tried to do this face to face, but it never comes out the way i want it to, so maybe this way will work.

M
You are my brother, and by some twist of fate, 3 years to the date, I arrived on your 3rd birthday, kind of like a delayed twin. sort of.

I looked up to you when we were kids, still do. When we were kids, I was awed by your seemingly easy ability to make friends, and keep them, me not so much, I have a few from my childhood that I still am in contact with, but you have kept some of yours longer.
You have always been the one in charge, the one who appears larger than life at times, both intimidating and welcoming at the same time.

In my early teens, I used to love going with you and dad to watch your hockey games, you were an inspired goaltender fun to watch and you loved the game still do. Even though, I question your choice of teams to follow.

As time progressed, we drifted, I was a bit different in High School, and went a different way than most, I joined the army, and in your way, you supported that.

When my life imploded 3 years ago, you let it be, for awhile, until you felt the need to say something. Or I asked you.

I see you with your kids, and you are patient , kind and tender, everything I wish that I was. Your love for them shines through, as does your love for your wife. Big Brother, I still look at you as a role model for my life. You roll with the punches and move on in a way that I wish could.

When everything crashed around me a few months back, you rose to it, you stepped in where a few people would dare, and allowed me to lean when I needed, and kicked my into motion when I needed that too. You helped me and my family pick up the pieces and get our lives moving again, no words that I could say can convey my thanks.

Whenever I have needed you, you have been there, no worries, and no hassle.

Thank you M, for being the brother I need, And If I haven't said it enough I'll say it now.
Love you

Boy1

I have put off writing this post for some time. As it has been difficult.
I have started, scrapped, restarted and rewrote this more times than I am willing to admit.

Boy1(or Son1) turned 16 almost a month ago. That can give you an Idea of how hard it has been for me to write this for him. enough procrastinating. I am just going to let it flow.


Son
You came into this world 16 years ago, I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a father. You didn't really give me a choice. You were beautiful, handsome and perfect. I still feel that way.
You and I do not always have the best relationship. I know that, and I am trying to fix what I think may be the cause. Don't worry, I am pretty sure it is me not you.
You are brilliant and in some ways wiser than your years. You march to the beat of your own drummer. What is trendy or in right at the moment does not really matter to you. If you like something than you do not care what other people think. Technology fascinates you, you are drawn to the world of computers like a moth to a flame. You are creative and talented, what I have seen you do and create still amazes me, that you seem to have skills far beyond others of your age.

You are loyal and the friends you have made you are true to.
While I know that this new life has not been easy for you, you seem to be coping , and slowly flourishing .

While your birth made me a father, the past 16 years with you (and your brothers)
have made me a Dad.

Happy belated birthday, may you have many more.

Old Friends

Some time has gone by since I last saw one of my oldest friends, J. J. and I go back to middle school, some 30 years ago. I haven't seen him in 10 years. Even though I lived in the same city as him for the last year, I found the thought of connecting with him hard to take. don't ask me why just did that's all.

In a rare moment of clarity, i decided to call and visit
I meant it to be a quick catch up say hi, see how things went , and take it from there.

Right , seven hours flew by and it was time well spent.

The need to connect with someone other than family must have been stronger than i thought.

Much laughter was had. nostalgia kicked in, talk of old friends who I lost touch with. and some what painful reminders of life in grade 9. where the largest kid in our class thought nothing of stuffing me in the shop room garbage can on a somewhat regular basis. Ahhh........good times.


I wish I could tell you that I was innocent here, and merely a victim, but.... how much of a victim could you be if you antagonize the hell out of someone every chance you get?

I was a wee bit mouthy when i was younger.......wonder where the boys get it.


A quick funny part, maybe not so much, depends on your point of view, funny to me now, not so much then.

We were in math class, which was on the second floor of the school, right above our homeroom, and i was minding my own business ( no really, you gotta take my word for this). Our math teacher was a tad, oblivious, say and when her back was turned, the aforementioned garbage can stuffer, me being the stuffee after all, proceeded to launch, or rather slide my a** out the window. Good thing it was winter, and fresh snow helped.

Now imagine my surprise when our homeroom teacher, a less than stellar example of the profession, caught me on my way back in and proceeded to give me a weeks detention? Did I mention he was the shop teacher?, and that detention meant sweeping out the wood shop floor.

Imagine free child labour, could a teacher even do that these days??


Back to J. He and I were pretty thick for a while, he moved before high school, we kind of lost touch, and then reconnected in our early 20's lost touch when I moved, reconnected briefly, and then reconnected again last night.

as we sat there talking, I saw the old me, the one before all the drama of the past few years, glimmer briefly. While I know the old me may not come fully back, I do realize that the new me that will come out of this (hopefully like a Phoenix from the ashes) may be able to still have the best of the old me. Like software, the new me will probably be like me 2.0 (beta)


So to J. If you are going to read this, thanks for being there last night, and thanks for not quitting on me like I feared so many would do.

Old Friends

Four Years

Dad

Have four years really gone by since that day?
It somehow seems longer, but at the same time, shorter.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

I wish you were here to talk to, especially given my current situation. There are things I would want to ask you.

Your grandchildren are amazing, I hope that ou can see them and keep an eye on them. In spite of the chaos of the past year or so they are growing in to fine young men. You would be proud. They all miss you too, in their own ways. Boys are funny like that. when you least expect it something they remember about you comes out.

You were the father I needed when I needed him, does that even make sense? At times when I was growing up, somehow, you were right where I need you to be, saying or doing what I needed.

I was not an easy teenager, not a bad kid, no police trouble or drugs, but I know I was a right moody little S**t at times, and I lashed out at you when I proably shouldn't have. But you were still always there for me.

I have great memories of you with your grandchildren, pictures in my mind and in my heart that spin a tale better than my words can. you were a survivor.

As I got older, moved away, and had kids of my own, our relationship changed, you became something I needed again at times. I still haven't figured out what that is yet, but I think at times, I need it now.


Miss you Dad, Have a cold one for me today, I'll have one for you.