Tuesday, April 27, 2010


No not the Disney flick

I'm talking about the real thing.

As Boy1 gets closer to driving age, I have begun thinking about trying to replace my car.

because it is one of these.

While it has been fairly reliable ( I'm Going to jinx myself). The last few months have seen about $900 put into it, and it is after all six years old.

Really, I want the boy to learn to drive something more solid, like I had too: like this:

Really, Dad thanks, I was a short arsed 16 year old and hated driving this thing and I'm pretty sure that it may have hated me too. In fact the first time I drove it I hit a concrete pole. Yay me.

The thing is I want him to feel safe as he learns, I did in that tank, hopefully he will too, but My little car is small, and low and I feel that he should learn to drive in a good sized, solid vehicle

Like this

Know where I can pick one up?

Monday, April 26, 2010

More music

It's funny to me, sometimes, how some songs can grab you unexpectedly.

The other day a friend of mine sent me a link to this song.

It's called "Highway 20 ride"
By the Zac Brown Band

go ahead listen, enjoy

Here are the lyrics.

I ride east every other Friday
and if I had it my way
the day would not be wasted on this drive.
and I want so bad to hold you
son, there’s things I haven’t told you
your mom and me couldn’t get along

so I drive, and I think about my life
and wonder why, that I slowly die inside
every time I turn that truck around
right at the Georgia line
and I count the days
and the miles back home to you
on that highway 20 ride.

The day might come you’ll realize
That if you see thru my eyes
There was no other way to work it out
And a part of you might hate me
But son please don’t mistake me
For a man that didn't care at all

And drive, and I think about my life
And wonder why, that I slowly die inside
Every time i turn that truck around
right at the Georgia line
And I count the days
and the miles back home to you
On that highway 20 ride.

So when you drive,
and the years go flying by
I hope you smile,
if I ever cross your mind
It was the pleasure of my life
And I cherished everytime
And my whole world
it begins and ends with you
on that highway 20 ride

Whoa 20 ride
Whoa 20 ride
Highway 20 ride.
and I ride..

It just sums up my life right now

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


It's a scary word. I'm not just talking about the generic "I'm feeling blah today" stuff. But the bigger stuff. The "I can't be bothered to care about anything, why should I even get out of bed, I feel like a huge weight is on my back, chest, shoulders etc, kind of stuff.

For me that's what it feels like, why bother, going anywhere, doing anything, seeing anyone. I could care less. At least 95% of the time that is how I feel.

When my world imploded, I felt it happening, bit by bit, I lost myself, sinking into the spiral of negative thoughts, emotions and actions. How can life be OK if I feel I lost all that mattered.

Try and tell people about these feelings and you get one of three reactions.( That I have noticed, anyway, feel free to add your own.)

1. Dead silence as the person you are talking to tries to figure out if you are kidding or not. this silence may be followed by a quick, unrelated change of subject (how about them Yankees?)

2. Unsolicited advice..."if you just went out to try and meet new people or do something it would be better". That's laughable, really, did you just not hear me say I could care less about that, and my motivation for that is so low it does not even register?

3. Empathy and understanding, small nods of the head, encouraging smiles, people who will tell you to hang on , they will help, it will get better, some people who will let you rant at the world, and realize, that it is after all just a rant and you need to vent. These people are gold.

In some ways I have been lucky, I have a great family, Mom, M, D, and S have been there with me riding the storm and throwing a lifeline when needed. I also have the luck of my nephew N, and his girlfriend E, who i live with and who save me from myself and are wise beyond their years sometimes. I also have the ladies I work with (no Names) who keep me grounded and help me to think. There are also friends, who instead of leaving, have risen and caught me when I needed it. Plus a lovely therapist M, who plays hardball with me and refuses to let me take the easy way out.

Then there are the boys, my sons, who, while I don't show it so well, have helped me find a little light at times, whose love I don't always feel I deserve, and I don't always show them the love and Joy I have for them, are still there, with crazy texts, weird phone conversations, and just plain random weirdness.

Boys know this, I love you with everything I have, I hold you in my thoughts daily. And even though your mother and I failed to stay together, I can sleep better at night knowing that 3 very awesome children are here because of us, and that is a good thing.

I'm not better yet, but I will be. If you are reading this, and you think you could be suffering, I urge you to seek help, until then I leave you with this.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

it's a circle ...no really

Music, me and the boys. I know that it's a fact that one generation never will like the other generations music choices, at least not at the moment. Later in life, when tastes change, or appreciation comes in, maybe but at the moment there are some musical choices my boys have that make me cringe.

They like Billy Talent, and while I can say I like some of it, most of it sounds the same to me.
My taste runs more to Keith Urban. They also like AC DC which I can relate to, because who doesn't? But there has to be some kind of common ground, right?

When we travel together, They insist on plugging their Ipods into the car audio system ( I say that because it sounds better than, cheap ass factory radio). But I cringe every time, Some of the music they listen to just irritates me, like Dragonforce, or Alexis on Fire.

Boy2 though has wider tastes than the others though, a check of his IPod will turn up things like the aforementioned artists as well as things like Ozzy, and a point we can both agree on, The Beatles. Also he likes him some Eminem, which I can relate to, I like Eminem as well.

Other choices not so much, like The Beastie Boys, I cannot listen to them at all, I don't dislike rap as evidenced by the Eminem comment, but my taste in rap runs a bit harder, like Tupac, or Snoop Dogg, even old Ice-T. But some of the newer stuff just leaves me cold, and some of the older stuff by some artists is too dark. The boys have yet to hear any Tupac when they are with me. I think they aren't ready yet.

It is a circle though, I remember having to sit through Johnny Cash, Hank snow, Hank Williams (Sr that is) and others of that era of country music, and I'm sure my boys will reminisce about having to listen to Keith Urban, the Dixie Chicks, Brooks and Dunn, and Darius Rucker when they are older. I'm just playing a time honored ritual out.

On another note, can the media stop talking/telling us about Kate Gosselin? Isn't her 15 minutes up yet? The woman is vain, shallow, and narcissistic. I am tired of seeing her on magazines, and TV. Enough already. Show she had 8 kids, so her husband cheated on her, so they are getting divorced, so they were on a reality show, so what. The cheating on her / divorce happens to people every day, and they are not considered news. Why is she? I could care less what happens to her, even less about what happens to her on Dancing with the stars, she's not a star, she's just a celebrity, made famous by having a TV show about her kids. Big deal. I think her fame should be merely a footnote in TV history.