Wednesday, April 7, 2010


It's a scary word. I'm not just talking about the generic "I'm feeling blah today" stuff. But the bigger stuff. The "I can't be bothered to care about anything, why should I even get out of bed, I feel like a huge weight is on my back, chest, shoulders etc, kind of stuff.

For me that's what it feels like, why bother, going anywhere, doing anything, seeing anyone. I could care less. At least 95% of the time that is how I feel.

When my world imploded, I felt it happening, bit by bit, I lost myself, sinking into the spiral of negative thoughts, emotions and actions. How can life be OK if I feel I lost all that mattered.

Try and tell people about these feelings and you get one of three reactions.( That I have noticed, anyway, feel free to add your own.)

1. Dead silence as the person you are talking to tries to figure out if you are kidding or not. this silence may be followed by a quick, unrelated change of subject (how about them Yankees?)

2. Unsolicited advice..."if you just went out to try and meet new people or do something it would be better". That's laughable, really, did you just not hear me say I could care less about that, and my motivation for that is so low it does not even register?

3. Empathy and understanding, small nods of the head, encouraging smiles, people who will tell you to hang on , they will help, it will get better, some people who will let you rant at the world, and realize, that it is after all just a rant and you need to vent. These people are gold.

In some ways I have been lucky, I have a great family, Mom, M, D, and S have been there with me riding the storm and throwing a lifeline when needed. I also have the luck of my nephew N, and his girlfriend E, who i live with and who save me from myself and are wise beyond their years sometimes. I also have the ladies I work with (no Names) who keep me grounded and help me to think. There are also friends, who instead of leaving, have risen and caught me when I needed it. Plus a lovely therapist M, who plays hardball with me and refuses to let me take the easy way out.

Then there are the boys, my sons, who, while I don't show it so well, have helped me find a little light at times, whose love I don't always feel I deserve, and I don't always show them the love and Joy I have for them, are still there, with crazy texts, weird phone conversations, and just plain random weirdness.

Boys know this, I love you with everything I have, I hold you in my thoughts daily. And even though your mother and I failed to stay together, I can sleep better at night knowing that 3 very awesome children are here because of us, and that is a good thing.

I'm not better yet, but I will be. If you are reading this, and you think you could be suffering, I urge you to seek help, until then I leave you with this.

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