Father's Day

For the last few years, Father's Day has been kind of bittersweet. While I generally try to be positive about it, it hasn't always been easy.

First, nearly 5 years ago, we(being my brother and sisters) lost our Dad. After a long back and forth struggle with cancer. I do take comfort in the fact that he saw all six of his grandchildren into the world, and that his pride and love for them still fills me with comfort to this day. But on this day, marked for Father's, the loss of him is a void in me that cannot ever be filled.

Second, I am not an everyday presence in my Kid's life, as much as I want to be, it just wont be, and while I can (almost) live with this, there is a longing to be there that feels as though a part of me is gone, never again to be complete.

But, then I am with them, and the hurt is gone, and I can smile and laugh, and grin at them, these boys, two on the verge of becoming men, one just coming into the world of being a teenager, and I am amazed. When did this happen? Where did they come from, When their Mother and I separated they seemed so much younger, now, 4 years have passed, and in a blink on an eye they have been replaced by these competent, and highly intelligent beings. Way too cool.

What happens when you take four males, various camping items, uncooperative weather, wet firewood, an older tent, and the possibility of thunderstorms?

You get enough memories to make you smile for a long time.

You see, we tried to go camping, the day started out fine, overcast but not raining(yet), so we headed out, wary, but determined. we purchased extra necessary gear and items (food, and stuff to make the fire change colour, really that apparently is a "necessary" item, and headed out.

We set up camp, hmm, tent is missing a pole, no biggie, we will tie it up, hmm, hole in the floor, no biggie, we will fold it around the pegs, hmmm, not enough pegs, ah well, buy overpriced pegs at camp store, hmmmm, still raining, OK road trip for ice cream, hmmmm, back to camp, and cook dinner, hmmmm, Boy2 is trying to start fire, 4 attempts, and much paper later, fire has been started, put out, rebuilt, etc, only paper seems to burn, head to other store for dry kindling, get phone call from anxious mother, thunderstorms in area, are you gonna stay? hmmm ask boys, mutual agreement that 6.5 hrs in rain is enough, camp site packed, all agree tent shall be relegated, to garbage bin, new tent to be purchased, return to mother's, plans made for Father's Day, quick trip to McD's. Plans to start other plans in the morning.

Father's Day was good, went to some of our favourite stores, had lunch, picked up boy2's friend(not girlfriend,says he) returned home, boy3 and i go fishing much fun had catching and releasing perch, return to house and I go on my merry way back to my home. All in all a good weekend.

In closing, though my beloved Bruins won the Stanley Cup, I was dismayed to see what a relative few individuals chose to do afterwards in Vancouver. IDIOTS. To the VPD well done, I believe you did a great job in handling the situation.

And finally, Happy Father's Day to all dads out there, To my other friends whose dads are gone, I hope your day went well, and to those like me, I hope you got to spend the day with your kids. And to all soldiers , airmen and sailors from whatever country, who are deployed away from your families, I hope there were messages and cards, and maybe phone calls from your kids. And stay safe, cause everyone wants you to return home to them.

And to my Boys, remember, I am a Father because of you, Thanks!

Here goes

well. I have had this post in my head for some time now.
I didn't think I should put it out there as it is more personal than anything else I have said.

But Hey, I really do not have enough readers to worry about, at least, from checking my sitemeter, and the total lack of comments it would appear that way.


Sons, I MISS YOU EVERY DAY.
Not a day has gone by in the last 2 years that I have not thought of the 3 of you. simply put, you are my reasons for living, for going on, for pushing through, when I feel that every ounce of my strength is gone.

You 3 are the greatest gift I have ever been given, the fact that I am your father, both amazes me and freaks me out.

YOU GUYS ROCK, smart, creative, funny, charming, handsome, witty. You guys are all that and more.
I know that sometimes I seem to have no patience , it is not because, I don't want to be with you, it is because, i dread the inevitable point of leaving you, again.

You see, a part of me dies each time, and some times it hurts inside me, like me heart is being torn out, there have been 4 hour drives back to where I live, that are mostly tears, anguish and sorrow,, guilt, plays a huge part in there too, don't kid yourself, nobody beats me up like I beat me up.

basically it comes down to this:

you make me a better man

CRAP

Well, not real crap, more like existential crap, or rather life crap.
I just (more or less) paid the bills, and realized how little I have left in the account for the next 2 weeks. Not.Much.at all. Especially when I have to pay for the room I use when I visit the boys, and the $100 it costs me in gas each time(not to mention that the price of gas keeps going up), and meals etc for them when I am with them.

To add to this, I still cannot find the replacement mirror I need for my car, which is again making funny noises, so maybe I can't go up there anyway. Which will destroy me, those weekends literally are my saving grace.

I wish for once for something concerning my car or my finances to go my way, Just once.
I have even figured out that even with the car soon to be paid off, I can't afford to replace it, unless the dealership will take a kidney.

But others keep reminding me of back money I still need to pay them, even after me explaining the financial picture to them. Yet they have all sorts of expensive toys, and trips, and shit that I will probably never have, but I get guilt trips laid on me if I buy a coffee, or some other small treat for myself. I don't even have my own computer, I use the libraries, because they are free.

Just hoping for a break here.