Oh Snap

I just noticed I have my first follower, Ever.

I wish I could give them a prize, maybe I will.

1st post for the new year

Hmmmm, I guess it has been awhile.

Christmas was better than could be expected, had the boys longer than I had expected, and in the end we did the gift exchange with my brother's kids. Christmas night went way better than expected, my boys outshone themselves, were well behaved, and showed awesome patience with their younger cousins.

things are progressing, and as my former life switches to the new life, a lot of things have run through my mind.
I have been asked if I have any regrets, well yes, yes I do, but they are small, I regret not trying maybe that little bit harder, but then, I see the boys, and how they have, grown, adjusted moved on, and maybe, just maybe are happier now than they have been in awhile, and that one fades.

I do not regret my time with their mom, how could I? Together, we produced 3 very awesome young men, who light up my world every time they enter it, that alone is worth the heartache I have suffered.

My life is changing, for the better, as I slowly make my way to the light, I am still amazed at my family and their support, every single time I have needed them they have risen to catch me.
My brother, my sisters, my mom all have kept me sane.

My brother in law M, well what can I say? I have known him for 20 years, and I consider him one of my best friends in the world, he and I have always had the best conversations about well, everything, he makes me laugh, and he taught me to sail.

My somewhat health scare is over. back in November, i found out that i have a growth in my head, (Son2, has named him Larry), well I don't need surgery, instead i get to take medication to shrink his ass for the next while( think of it as diet pills, Larry!).


And if enough people comment I will post pictures of the Boys ( a one time deal) so If I do have any readers, you can picture who I am talking about.

Plus my only resolution is to make this a bit funnier, and possibly pull out some stories from my past. Next time I promise to tell you about me, John, Glen, and a can of paint, and what can happen when adolescent boys fail to use common sense.

Tis the Season..........Kind of.

Psst, come here, I want to tell you a secret.

I hate this time of year, truly and honestly, for the last 3 years it has slowly gotten worse. This year my feelings about it may have hit an all time low.

I have a list, if you care to read it.

1. Christmas music, novelty Christmas songs should be banned, they were funny once, now not so much. And as for some of the traditional songs well they suck too. for example "I'll be home for Christmas", well, no I won't be I'll be at Mom's, and while it is "home" in a sense, it is not my home really, I rent the place I live in so, I won't be there either. Christmas morning, there will not be that moment when my kids wake me up to see what "Santa" has brought them, they will be doing that with their mother. With luck and planning, I'll get to see them later in the day. Just like last year, So I'm planning on getting up about 1/2 an hour before I go get them.

2. Gift giving, if it is like last year will cause heartache for the weasels of death. Just before the holiday, my brother decided that "to save you money" our kids were not going to exchange gifts, that in itself would have been alright if we were not all together at Mom's for the gift exchange, and my kids and his did not exchange anything, The boys felt like crap about this, and let me know in no uncertain terms how they felt. If recent conversation with my brother is any indication, the same thing may happen this year.

3. The total lack of planning by anyone in my family, right now, the boy's mom and I are still ironing out the details of the holidays, as youngest has a hockey tournament right in the middle of Christmas break. I have no idea right now when I am getting them, and If I get them on Christmas day, then I have to let my brother know as soon as possible as he and his wife always have the family for dinner on Christmas day. My sons have never been there for this, and it involves a large gathering of family, and some of them have not met my kids and I don't want any pressure on my boys to have to behave to other people's impossible standards. Plus, if my brother does not want gifts exchanged between our kids, but everyone else is doing it, it will create a whole new level of awkward for my sons.

4. Feeling like i have to put on some fake, cheery personality so that I "don't ruin anyone Else's day" F***k that, what about my day? It would be nice if one time some one said "This day must be hard for you" Yeah, it is, between my desire to have the boys on Christmas morning, to wanting to get them what they want, without having to worry about money, to feeling as though I somehow failed them, to hoping that people will not push subjects on them that they do not want to discuss, and have made clear that they don't, to wanting everyone to just get along, I have enough to deal with without worrying about how I am feeling could ruin someone Else's Christmas. How about everyone else doing things to make me feel better?

5. Pressure about Church on Christmas Eve. I do not like going at the best of times, Christmas Eve service is the worst, there are too many people, no parking, people who do not seem to understand that there is a service earlier in the evening for those with younger kids ( the service ends at midnight, kids who are not in double digits should be at home, in bed, visions of sugar plums etc.)
I hate going, and when it is over, I want to leave, I do not want to have a conversation with people I only see once a year, I just want to go to bed.

6. People, everywhere, the mall, the roads, just everywhere. I get it , you need to shop, but for the love of everything, try to have some manners, just because you failed to plan crap out and waited for the last minute to do something, does not mean I have to suffer. Nor should the people who work in the stores. Here is a hint, the girl working the cash has absolutely no control over the inventory of the store, chances are there are no more in the back, if they are out, they are out, asking for a manager will not change that, freaking out won't either, I have seen some pretty bad behavior on the part of some people who are supposed to be adults, grow up, and on that note, the same with the gaggles of teens in the malls and stores, I get it your friend sent you a text, and OMG, you have to respond right away, in the mall walking and texting is like driving and texting, you cannot do both and see where you are going, bumping(or crashing) into me and glaring at me, just gets you the stink eye. I have better things to do than watch out for your sorry ass. And, there are lines everywhere, especially in the food court, if you are in line for 5-10 minutes before you order, this would be a good time to make up your mind, if you can't then you fail at life.

7. The endless loop of charity commercial for those organisations that send relief overseas, I get it, believe me, I have been to a few of those places, but there is a great deal of people right here, in this country that need our help too, why not clean up our own yard first.

Bah Humbug!

Crap Crap crappity crap

You know how people say things happen in threes (mostly bad)?

Well I know the feeling after this week.

a few bullet points

1) I had an MRI on my head last week, turns out there is a 1.8cm growth in there, lucky me!
2) car faile the MVI (motor vehicle inspection, required every 2 years) going to take a whole ton of money to fix, money I just don't have a way of producing.
3) I am alone again won't go into details here, just to say I. AM. CRUSHED.

So what the hell, Universe? Why is it that just when I feel like I am doing ok the fates have to conspire against me?

I had plans for this winter, to hopefully avoid the depressive state that last winter put me into. I was going to play hockey for the first time in years, well that is a no go, no money for equipment, plus it now costs to play, something new I guess, so that option is out.

As for the POS car, it is not really worth the monry to fix it, but since I consolodated some debt, to lower interest charges, and reduce monthly payments, I owe too much to get rid of the damn thing, so I am stuck with it.

The house that the EX and I share is not selling, so until it does, my monthly load keeps growing.

The weight of all of this is like a beast on my chest, taunting me. Just the way sleep does right now, it is there I can feel it but it remains elusive like sand through my fingers, easy to touch, but hard to grasp and hold on to.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I have little to no funds for gifts, right now I don't even feel like celebrating. I am alone 90% of the nights at home, I asked if I could get a pet but was met with a resounding no. Not even a cat. yippee.

Part of me wants to stay in bed for the rest of my life, it would be easier.

Gotta go now, and try to find a) extra cash or b) a way to dump the 7 year old 200000+ km car for something newer.

Wish me luck.

Sisters

Now I can't shut up 3 posts in a day!


I have 2 sisters D who is older, and S who is younger (40 on Monday!)

D you are one of the nicest and caring people I know, throughout the last 3 years of crap that my life has become, you have been there for me. Every time, no question, you have given me a place to lean on and go to for support, you, and M and N have been awesome to me, putting up with my moodiness and self-pitying to the point I would have thought you were sick of me by now.

You have responded when I have needed you to, and gone above and beyond at times. When everything crashed around me a few months back you came, took son3 for the weekend and helped with things that I would not have expected anyone to do. You take the family thing seriously and have been so supportive to me that I don't think I can ever thank you enough.

You are a great mom, and that can be seen in N, your son,who is one of the best people I know.
You were my friend when we were younger, and are still one of my best friends now.

I thank you for your support, your friendship and your help through everything, you are one of the best.

S, you are my younger sister, my friend and my sounding board, no matter how crappy I feel about my life, you have always managed to get me to see the silver lining. At times, you have been my saviour although, I don't think I ever told you how much this has meant to me.

You and I have shared friends that we both cherish, and you helped to steer me back to them when I needed to find myself again. Once more, I can never repay the debt I feel I owe you.

To both of you Thanks, and I love you.

brothers

Well 2 posts in one day, after my unplanned hiatus of more than 2 months.



The summer was good, time spent with family and friends. and the boys all seems to be going well.



I have to say something now because I have tried to do this face to face, but it never comes out the way i want it to, so maybe this way will work.

M
You are my brother, and by some twist of fate, 3 years to the date, I arrived on your 3rd birthday, kind of like a delayed twin. sort of.

I looked up to you when we were kids, still do. When we were kids, I was awed by your seemingly easy ability to make friends, and keep them, me not so much, I have a few from my childhood that I still am in contact with, but you have kept some of yours longer.
You have always been the one in charge, the one who appears larger than life at times, both intimidating and welcoming at the same time.

In my early teens, I used to love going with you and dad to watch your hockey games, you were an inspired goaltender fun to watch and you loved the game still do. Even though, I question your choice of teams to follow.

As time progressed, we drifted, I was a bit different in High School, and went a different way than most, I joined the army, and in your way, you supported that.

When my life imploded 3 years ago, you let it be, for awhile, until you felt the need to say something. Or I asked you.

I see you with your kids, and you are patient , kind and tender, everything I wish that I was. Your love for them shines through, as does your love for your wife. Big Brother, I still look at you as a role model for my life. You roll with the punches and move on in a way that I wish could.

When everything crashed around me a few months back, you rose to it, you stepped in where a few people would dare, and allowed me to lean when I needed, and kicked my into motion when I needed that too. You helped me and my family pick up the pieces and get our lives moving again, no words that I could say can convey my thanks.

Whenever I have needed you, you have been there, no worries, and no hassle.

Thank you M, for being the brother I need, And If I haven't said it enough I'll say it now.
Love you

Boy1

I have put off writing this post for some time. As it has been difficult.
I have started, scrapped, restarted and rewrote this more times than I am willing to admit.

Boy1(or Son1) turned 16 almost a month ago. That can give you an Idea of how hard it has been for me to write this for him. enough procrastinating. I am just going to let it flow.


Son
You came into this world 16 years ago, I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a father. You didn't really give me a choice. You were beautiful, handsome and perfect. I still feel that way.
You and I do not always have the best relationship. I know that, and I am trying to fix what I think may be the cause. Don't worry, I am pretty sure it is me not you.
You are brilliant and in some ways wiser than your years. You march to the beat of your own drummer. What is trendy or in right at the moment does not really matter to you. If you like something than you do not care what other people think. Technology fascinates you, you are drawn to the world of computers like a moth to a flame. You are creative and talented, what I have seen you do and create still amazes me, that you seem to have skills far beyond others of your age.

You are loyal and the friends you have made you are true to.
While I know that this new life has not been easy for you, you seem to be coping , and slowly flourishing .

While your birth made me a father, the past 16 years with you (and your brothers)
have made me a Dad.

Happy belated birthday, may you have many more.