Father's Day

For the last few years, Father's Day has been kind of bittersweet. While I generally try to be positive about it, it hasn't always been easy.

First, nearly 5 years ago, we(being my brother and sisters) lost our Dad. After a long back and forth struggle with cancer. I do take comfort in the fact that he saw all six of his grandchildren into the world, and that his pride and love for them still fills me with comfort to this day. But on this day, marked for Father's, the loss of him is a void in me that cannot ever be filled.

Second, I am not an everyday presence in my Kid's life, as much as I want to be, it just wont be, and while I can (almost) live with this, there is a longing to be there that feels as though a part of me is gone, never again to be complete.

But, then I am with them, and the hurt is gone, and I can smile and laugh, and grin at them, these boys, two on the verge of becoming men, one just coming into the world of being a teenager, and I am amazed. When did this happen? Where did they come from, When their Mother and I separated they seemed so much younger, now, 4 years have passed, and in a blink on an eye they have been replaced by these competent, and highly intelligent beings. Way too cool.

What happens when you take four males, various camping items, uncooperative weather, wet firewood, an older tent, and the possibility of thunderstorms?

You get enough memories to make you smile for a long time.

You see, we tried to go camping, the day started out fine, overcast but not raining(yet), so we headed out, wary, but determined. we purchased extra necessary gear and items (food, and stuff to make the fire change colour, really that apparently is a "necessary" item, and headed out.

We set up camp, hmm, tent is missing a pole, no biggie, we will tie it up, hmm, hole in the floor, no biggie, we will fold it around the pegs, hmmm, not enough pegs, ah well, buy overpriced pegs at camp store, hmmmm, still raining, OK road trip for ice cream, hmmmm, back to camp, and cook dinner, hmmmm, Boy2 is trying to start fire, 4 attempts, and much paper later, fire has been started, put out, rebuilt, etc, only paper seems to burn, head to other store for dry kindling, get phone call from anxious mother, thunderstorms in area, are you gonna stay? hmmm ask boys, mutual agreement that 6.5 hrs in rain is enough, camp site packed, all agree tent shall be relegated, to garbage bin, new tent to be purchased, return to mother's, plans made for Father's Day, quick trip to McD's. Plans to start other plans in the morning.

Father's Day was good, went to some of our favourite stores, had lunch, picked up boy2's friend(not girlfriend,says he) returned home, boy3 and i go fishing much fun had catching and releasing perch, return to house and I go on my merry way back to my home. All in all a good weekend.

In closing, though my beloved Bruins won the Stanley Cup, I was dismayed to see what a relative few individuals chose to do afterwards in Vancouver. IDIOTS. To the VPD well done, I believe you did a great job in handling the situation.

And finally, Happy Father's Day to all dads out there, To my other friends whose dads are gone, I hope your day went well, and to those like me, I hope you got to spend the day with your kids. And to all soldiers , airmen and sailors from whatever country, who are deployed away from your families, I hope there were messages and cards, and maybe phone calls from your kids. And stay safe, cause everyone wants you to return home to them.

And to my Boys, remember, I am a Father because of you, Thanks!

Here goes

well. I have had this post in my head for some time now.
I didn't think I should put it out there as it is more personal than anything else I have said.

But Hey, I really do not have enough readers to worry about, at least, from checking my sitemeter, and the total lack of comments it would appear that way.


Sons, I MISS YOU EVERY DAY.
Not a day has gone by in the last 2 years that I have not thought of the 3 of you. simply put, you are my reasons for living, for going on, for pushing through, when I feel that every ounce of my strength is gone.

You 3 are the greatest gift I have ever been given, the fact that I am your father, both amazes me and freaks me out.

YOU GUYS ROCK, smart, creative, funny, charming, handsome, witty. You guys are all that and more.
I know that sometimes I seem to have no patience , it is not because, I don't want to be with you, it is because, i dread the inevitable point of leaving you, again.

You see, a part of me dies each time, and some times it hurts inside me, like me heart is being torn out, there have been 4 hour drives back to where I live, that are mostly tears, anguish and sorrow,, guilt, plays a huge part in there too, don't kid yourself, nobody beats me up like I beat me up.

basically it comes down to this:

you make me a better man

CRAP

Well, not real crap, more like existential crap, or rather life crap.
I just (more or less) paid the bills, and realized how little I have left in the account for the next 2 weeks. Not.Much.at all. Especially when I have to pay for the room I use when I visit the boys, and the $100 it costs me in gas each time(not to mention that the price of gas keeps going up), and meals etc for them when I am with them.

To add to this, I still cannot find the replacement mirror I need for my car, which is again making funny noises, so maybe I can't go up there anyway. Which will destroy me, those weekends literally are my saving grace.

I wish for once for something concerning my car or my finances to go my way, Just once.
I have even figured out that even with the car soon to be paid off, I can't afford to replace it, unless the dealership will take a kidney.

But others keep reminding me of back money I still need to pay them, even after me explaining the financial picture to them. Yet they have all sorts of expensive toys, and trips, and shit that I will probably never have, but I get guilt trips laid on me if I buy a coffee, or some other small treat for myself. I don't even have my own computer, I use the libraries, because they are free.

Just hoping for a break here.

Weekends, Floods, fish, foolishness,finality

Well that should generate some bizarre hits.

To recap the weekend.

Boy2 had a friend over Friday, and being the nice guy that I am, I agreed to drive said friend home, out in the country, to a place I am not that familiar with. Address inputted into GPS , away we go. Choosing, en route to ignore the sign that said "water on road use caution". Fools. Got 1km up the road, and had to turn around and try to make it back to drier land, car almost stalled out 3 times, visions of pushing in knee deep water not good. cursing under breath, not trusting GPS device, swear it hates me, water coming into car thru door sills, made it to dry land, let car idle for 5 minutes to dry out, steam coming out of vents, how wet did this thing get anyway?
Finally get friend home via long DRY way. Get back to room, in time too see my beloved bruins make it into Stanley Cup Final, much happiness abounds.

Saturday, wake up, joy raining.....again pick up boy3 find new fishing spot, no luck but agree may be best spot yet as actual fish were biting, notice half gnawed oak tree, worry about crazed, angry beaver attacking. HMMMMM need more coffee. Pick up older 2 go to mall, Boy2 says friend has sent him text wanting to know when we can drive thru flood covered roads again. Much fun says friend, much looniness think I. PM take boys to subway for dinner, much anger directed to incompetent staff, drive to movies, watch hangover 2, realize 3/4 thru movie that this may not be age appropriate due to things in Thailand, worry about explanation may have to give to 13 year old boy3, not to worry, says he, I got it covered. WTF think I, I did not have understanding of such things at his age, must ask ex-wife if she checks Internet browsing history. He must be getting this info somewhere.

Sunday, sun is out boy1 and boy3 request fishing expedition, agree to said trip, much enjoyment several aquatic creatures captured, photographed and released, (always have thought that catch and release fishing, must be like the rapture for them)(the fish that is not the boys).

More time spent with all three before dreaded drive back home, always hate that part.

Finality... maybe some closure for some, with the capture of Ratko Mladic, one of the worst (alleged, for now) war criminals of the past century will be brought to answer for his crimes. Maybe some poor people out there can finally close the door on a chapter of their lives.

Driving with doofuses

Is that even a word?

Yeah, yeah, I know it has been a while but I have been busy.

A short little story, this past Saturday, my younger 2 boys and I went on a short road trip, And I figured out a couple of things.

1. No matter what the volume is set to on the car sound system ( ha, a laugh, i mean cheesy factory cd player) Son2 will crank it louder almost for every song that he likes. I was not allowed to touch the volume, nor alter it from my Dad's choice of music, (country) and we had an 8-track player, (remember those?) complete with the matchbook jammed under the corner to make it work. Plus, the lyrics that are in the songs are not things I would have played around my parents either.

2. Teenage boys never stop eating, even on short car trips, there must be food.

plus, the floor of my car apparently is an appropriate place for trash.

3. Teenage boys can convince their middle-aged father to do things against his common sense, case in point, willingly jump off a 5 metre diving platform, even though the aforementioned middle aged father is scared of heights. ( I will admit that fear aside, it was kind of fun)

4. Son2 while travelling in a car needs to be occupied, or else strange things can happen.

My right hand now has no hair on the back of it, thanks to the boy and a roll of duct tape. Much to his hilarity, my physical pain was his amusement, plus the loss of hair was amusing to him as well.

maybe i should get a cop car that i can trap them in the back of when I travel with them.

For the boys

I have been lucky enough to spend adecent amount of time with my sons lately.

It is a good feeling to see them having emerged from the train wreck that was the end of their mother and I's relationship relatively unscathed.

To see the smiles and laughter return. to have my taller than me middle son freely hug me, and tell me " love you too, Dad" when i say it to him at the end of a phone conversation. To have the oldest actually say it to me once when i said it to him ( emotion scares him, sometimes he doesn't get it, think Sheldon Cooper) to have my youngest actually engage in real conversations with me, in the car on our way to hockey, and to be able to be there to see him score his 1st goal of the season (WE HAVE THE PUCK!). well shit, those feelings of happiness and joy at all of the things over the last couple of weeks, I feel like spring has come in more ways than one.

Boys, you guys rock, seriously, the three of you are better for me than any thing else I have tried, I'm just pissed that I wasted so much time figuring that out. massive Fail on my part.

well I get it now.
Can't wait to see you this weekend.

Eat, eat , eat and a contest.

The older 2 are here for the week and It has just dawned on me, that either one of them probably consumes more calories in a day than I do in 3.

Now don't get me wrong. I remember being a teen, and I ate a ton, but, in my defense, I was always moving, to hockey, cadets, outside, whatever, we walked everywhere, and those calories were earned, burnt off, and the cycle repeated.

These 2 barely seem to move, from their perches on my couches, moving only for washroom breaks, to retrieve a power cord for some electronic device, or to head for the kitchen (again).

When we have gone out (to the Mall!,,, where i let them go on their own, cause walking around with your dad when you are a teenager is just .....so uncool, they seem to have a gravitational pull to the food court, as if ten minutes without eating or drinking could seriously harm them.

If they could figure it out, I am sure they would eat in their sleep.

It amazes and disturbs me at the same time.


And since checking my stats, I have now noticed that some people appear to be reading me on a regular basis, leave me a comment by next Wednesday, and I will do a random draw, the lucky winner will receive one of my photos, that have been published.